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"While my appearance might come to a shockto you little brother it does not to me. I have lived with thisknowledge for a few years now and have tried hiding it as best as I canfrom father and you but it has become a harder and harder task as timeprogressed, both because of my continuously changing body but alsobecause of me more and more having the feeling that I am living a lie bypretending to be a boy while appearing and feeling as I do," he said."Feeling?" I wondered. "Although I dislike to admit it but I have neverbeen able to fancy a woman the same way I do with a man. I feel a strongattraction to the male sex, something I've been aware of ever since Istarted being bedridden. Most of the time I spent in bed my onlypleasure was observing the people walking by from our open window. Fromit I could see all sorts of people, young and old, rich and poor andwomen and men. At first I did not think much of it but after some time Ifound it strangely exciting to observe our former. Horst could barelyget his thoughts together even to feel shock. He had absolutely no wishto become a soldier and even through the fog of his mind he wasapprehensive. Wasn't a soldier's life dangerous? Weren't there longmarches over bogs, thickets, and dry dusty roads? Then weren't thereguns and cannon, swords and other sharp dangerous objects?Now another uniformed character was ordering them to start running.Horst squinted against the sun. There did not seem to be any sensiblereason why they should run, or even move, for that matter. Maybeanother lie down in the rising sun would be a better idea. But theidiot was screaming at them again and half-heartedly the men began toshuffle along. Apparently that was still not good enough and withlouder screams from the man they began running getting faster andfaster. Horst still could not see straight and as he jogged along itfelt like someone was still driving a nail into his head at every step.He tried to dawdle, but someone, the first one.
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