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But as I say, even at that moment I knew I could simply walk away from everything and disappear with Winston that much sooner. But ‘everything’ was what I had worked for all my life. And I was furious with Winston for putting me in this position, however unwittingly. And even at that moment I knew, although I did not fully admit it to myself until a long time later, that some tiny perverse sliver of myself was aroused, or at least stimulated, sensitized, by the prospect of being used helplessly by this man. His very grotesqueness. To be touched by such a creature. I have wondered if I had not already fallen under his control. I had come to his room. I had sat beside him. I had made and brought the drinks. But those were different. Removing my shoes was so innocent. And yet it wasn’t. It was letting him tell me to undress. It was more than crossing a line, it was passing over a threshold to a whole new dimension in which I was truly helpless, where things would happen to me, where I. Meena looked at me and smiled so did I. I purposely got dressed and said I am going out mom hearing to this Meena also said ok I will also go and sleep now for some time and walked out in 5 minutes.I also left and saw Meena had left her door opened and I closed my door and enter Meena’s house quickly and shut the door and there Meena was standing in her yellow dress as if was waiting for me to come. I went close to her in the living room kissed her and said hi Meena and she said hi and asked where I am going now. I told her that i was not going anywhere just lied to my mom so that I could come at her place; She gave me a naughty smile and sat bit close to me.I could hear her deep breaths and we were quite for some time now. I asked her if she was disturbed by what we did yesterday. She said yes and hold my hand tight so did I told Meena that I had never thought we would do that as it happened in no time, to which she agreed and kept her head on my shoulders. I kissed on her forehead.
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