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The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?’The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.’To which little RALPHY replied, ‘The correct answer is ‘the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.’LITTLE RALPHY ON MATHLittle RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.‘Why’ asks the father?‘The teacher asked ‘How much is 2 x 3?’ ‘‘I said 6”, replies RALPHY.‘But that’s right!’ says his dad.‘Yeah, but then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?’‘What’s the fuckin’ difference?’ asks the father.‘That’s what I said!’LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISHLittle RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, ‘Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?’RALPHY says ‘Mas-tur-bate.’Miss Rogers smiles and says, ‘Wow, little RALPHY, that’s a mouthful... ‘Little RALPHY. I have often wondered if you feel self-conscious about your height, and yet, I’ve never bothered to ask you about it. I like the fact that you always wear heels and you walk very well in them. Do you know that men notice the way you walk — or at least, that I notice? I asked you for some help in researching a story that I was working on and I can barely recall what I said. I can remember thinking that you were adorable, funny, isn’t it? But you were — adorable, that is. I was working on the Boomer Candy Company story, they assigned it to me as my first story back. I’m sure that everyone thought I’d blow it or not be up to the challenge and I was determined to prove everyone wrong, that I wasn’t just some washed-up hack writer who’d drank away all of his talent. Anyway, you looked at me and said you’d be glad to help and that you’d always liked my writing. I was sure that you were just humoring me until you quoted enough of my own work back to me to prove you knew who I was and that.
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