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I told her about the passing of April's boyfriend's mom. Dottie said she was sorry to hear that. I asked her if she could feel my babies inside of her yet and she began to cry. I asked her what was wrong."Britt, I'm so confused. I feel like you are so young and all but I want a baby. I have always wanted a baby but we tried and tried and I never conceived. You made me so excited the other night. What do we do if I end up pregnant? I would be so happy but what about you?" Dottie, the honest answer is scary to me. I would be happy for you and the baby, but I couldn't commit to being a 'dad.' I said before that I'm here for a college degree and then I'm off to build my empire. I don't want your baby to hate the father that left them at birth or expect someone to coach their baseball team or show up at their dance recitals. I would feel bad that I couldn't and wouldn't be there for you and our baby. I could pay some child support but we would have to decide on that ahead of time. I don't. Black sharpie pens were my go to instrument, and I’d begin scribbling little thoughts or bits of story or dialogue on the back of my hand and my arm. It was harmless, or so we thought at first. Slowly that changed as I discovered other tools, often waking up in the middle of the night with the urgent need to document a half remembered line that had come to me in that place between worlds.It all came to a head on my birthday. It was a quiet affair. My best friends were all present, and my family. There was a store bought cake with sugary flowers on it and too much frosting. I hated it immediately. Despite Kay’s best efforts to draw me out, I was sullen, communicating in as few words as I could manage, if at all. The mood wasn’t one of joy but rather of a brewing storm. Asked to cut the cake, I became angry as I discovered something else the Monster had taken from me. That cake became an object of hate for me, a reminder of what had been done to me and a great surge of hatred rose up.
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