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Fleeting moments of contentment as I drift towards the bartender, half a step in one girl’s perfume, half a step in another’s. They never get beyond pretty in sight and smell, because that would destroy the illusion that I have been building since I walked through the door. That I don’t need anyone. The beer is cold and cheap, because even if getting drunk in the place you work means you have to be somewhere that for forty hours a week, you dream of getting away from, at least you get an employee discount. The Ranch Bowl might suck mightily, like a practiced hooker, but two dollars for any beer and the possibility of a good band any night of the week is too much to pass up. And I’m poor. I sit with the people I get drunk with and I get to be the quiet one, the one that sits somewhere he can watch the door. We drink and it’s my night off, again. Waiting for the right one to walk in the door, expecting to know which one it is, But midnight rolls around and it’s one hour to close and. I can’t hear her whisper but when he checks the rear-view mirror his eyes catch mine and he smiles. They know now, if they did not know before, when Julian stayed overnight with me in my bedroom, but I am proud of our love and I am not ashamed. I smile back and I am content. Julian remains asleep.We unload my boxes and clothes at the house first. Miriam and Eloise are expected later this afternoon. At Julian’s dorm we brave the frenzy of incoming freshmen, boxes, parents, a grandparent or two plus an assortment of siblings and welcoming upperclassmen, to reach Julian’s room with our own armfuls of stuff. José Luis, Julian’s roommate, is already there and unpacked. They’re pretty similar in build and appearance, and I know from their emails José Luis is a swimmer like Julian. He’s almost as good-looking. They shake hands and embrace, a little awkwardly, the way boys and men do. I greet José Luis with a hug as well and he responds with enthusiasm. He’s more formal with Mom and Dad.Just.
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