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“What do we do with all of this?” she asked me.“Thrift shop or yard sale,” I told her. “Maybe some of this stuff is worth something to someone.”The deeper we dug into this stuff, the weirder things got. Pictures of naked men and women sitting in the great room. Books, and ledgers of names, and dates, stacked away. Some of the entries dated back almost a hundred years.We were in the attic, when Kristen uncovered an old steamer chest. It was unlike any we’ve ever seen before. It was a heavy, black leather-bound chest, with brass trim, and an old rusty iron padlock on it. The leather was faded in spots, but it was still well preserved.A large brass place riveted to it read:The secrets of the past.The secrets of today.The darkest of secrets of Onyx ManorAre in here. Packed away.“What in the hell do you think that means?” Kristen asked me.“Not the foggiest,” I said. “Could be Aunt Ada's old summer wardrobe, for all we know.”We pushed the heavy chest off to the side and called it a day. We. Good luck."Soon I was sitting alone in the back of the van, which was part of a convoy of vans and trucks that were all black. We were waived through the checkpoint and I was welcomed by the facility's head officer and his security team.They took one look at me and laughed. It was as though they were expecting a really lousy drag queen-spy to show up on their doorstep. Either they weren't fooled at all or someone had tipped them off. I'll never know for sure.I was arrested on the spot.***So here I am, two weeks later, stuck alone in a cell in an Iraqi military prison eating gruel twice a day. The warden knows a smattering of English and has told me I'll probably be traded for Iraqi spies or the Al-Qaeda imprisoned at Guantinimo Bay. I'll probably never know who abducted me, whether it was the CIA, Mossad, British Intelligence, or even the United Nations itself. No matter what, I'm probably being kept alive by Saddam Hussein just to embarrass whoever it was that sent me on this failed.
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